Daylight

Just over 5 years ago i met someone at a place i worked. I was there for only a few weeks (temping), three weeks to be exact. I was at lunch, Euston Station sitting outside. My head was buried in TheTimes and i didnt see her approach. She stopped and said hi, we chatted for a bit and she went about her way. We hadnt really spoken prior to that. I cant believe the way my body and heart is reacting as i type this.

I found a permanent job and so i had to leave. On my last Friday, i went round the building to say goodbye to a few people. I think i went to her last. We talked and she said she was almost done and would come with me to hand in my timesheet. We went to the main building but the guy i was looking for had gone home. Eventually we just had to slide the timesheet under his office door. When we came outside it was pouring down with rain. We sat on the steps of the building and talked for ages waiting for the rain to stop.

The rain finally stopped and we walked around talking and stuff. Somehow we ended up going to a nightclub with a few friends of hers. This was my first experience of going to a House club. It was absolutely positively awesome. It really was the dogs bollocks. We became friends, very close friends. I stayed over at hers and she stayed over at mine. We slept in my bed when she stayed over at mine. Nothing happened. My flatmate didnt believe me the next morning and had this shit eating grin on his face. It seemed like our friendship lasted a lifetime. We used to do the weirdest stuff sometimes, one of the best things about our friendship IMO. One time i met up with her and we bought McDonalds and sat on a pub bench on Tottenham Court Road. We were there till 2am.

I didnt see her again after that. I always questioned why our relationship changed a few months prior to that last meeting. Part of me feels that perhaps she wanted more and thought i didnt. For what its worth i didnt want to mess up an awesome friendship but i would have given it a go if i was sure she wanted to. I have no proof that this was the case and is just one possible reason out of many. Only when i didnt see her anymore did i realise just how great a friend she had been. I wanted to tell her how much i appreciated her and everything. It felt like i had been kicked out of a theatre before the play had ended and i wanted to know how it ended.

Last summer by the most bizzare sequence of events and coincidences, i bumped into her. The events that transpired to have me exactly where i was when i saw her are so odd and far ranging that it still blows my mind to this day. She joined my friends and i for a drink in a weird rock type pub. Very very bizarre. It was really good to see her and i dont think she had changed that much. Still the same weird, quirky and cool girl i had known years ago.

Last time i spoke to her was the July bombings. She was going into work and i didnt think it was a good idea. She told me matter of factly "i'm not going to not get on the bus just cos some terrorist might blow it up, shit happens all the time, you could get runover by a bus but you still go out everyday". I couldnt say anything back to that.

I didnt tell her all those things i wanted to say. Meeting her again felt to me like i had found out how the play ended. I miss the friendship that we had, i miss her because she was and is an awesome person. I think the feelings i couldnt understand back then has a name. Love. I think i loved her. The kind of love you have for a friend, a very different kind of love to that felt for a lover.

I am glad we met, she had a huge positive impact on me as a person. I am a better person for having met her. I am eternally grateful for this. I would like to name her but dont think that would be appropriate.

It is almost daylight. Good morning.