The great escape
Lying awake in bed a few minutes ago, i didnt think i could make it out of the bedroom without alerting the guard (girlfriend). The one advantage i have is that i sleep on the outside of the bed, the guard sleeps on the inside close to the wall. The escape had to be well planned and executed. I shall relay my slick and silent escape:
Slowly slide right foot to the edge of the bed, then onto the floor; repeat the same manoeuver with the right hand. I then moved my body weight towards the edge. This was a very tricky part and resulted in the guard stirring. I held my breath and went absolutely still. The guard went back to her beautiful sleep. Quickly and silently i moved my left foot to the edge. Finally my left hand joined the rest of my body on the floor. I paused for breath. Stood up in one go and made my way to the door. Contrary to popular notion, when trying to make a silent escape on barefoot it is better to walk normally and not on tiptoe. I got to the door, so far so good. Opening the door quietly is an artform and can be very very tricky but i have loads of experience of this particular artform.
I opened the door, not too wide but enough to squeeze past. Closed the door behind me and voila! freedom was mine.
I am unsure if i should tell you bad boys and girls the trick of opening a door quietly. Like i said earlier i have loads of experience of this particular exercise. Lets just say that i had a very interesting and exciting childhood. Ah screw it, i'll tell you.
If the door is already open (which it was in my recent escape): Grab the entire handle of the door, then lift the door from the handle and only then can you open the door. When you open the door, do it in one quick move and not slowly as people untrained in this skill are oft to do.
If the door is closed: Grab the handle and turn it very quickly. Once the turn is complete and the door is technically open, perform the manoeuver described above and freedom is yours.
Disclaimer: The acts described above are not applicable to all doors and any attempt to use the above manoeuver on the wrong kind of door (steel doors or blast doors for example) shall result in your detection and capture. Boy/Man is in no way responsible for your detection/capture but is in fact responsible for your escape if successful. In this case, payment shall be made to Boy/Man. This does not affect your statutory rights.
Slowly slide right foot to the edge of the bed, then onto the floor; repeat the same manoeuver with the right hand. I then moved my body weight towards the edge. This was a very tricky part and resulted in the guard stirring. I held my breath and went absolutely still. The guard went back to her beautiful sleep. Quickly and silently i moved my left foot to the edge. Finally my left hand joined the rest of my body on the floor. I paused for breath. Stood up in one go and made my way to the door. Contrary to popular notion, when trying to make a silent escape on barefoot it is better to walk normally and not on tiptoe. I got to the door, so far so good. Opening the door quietly is an artform and can be very very tricky but i have loads of experience of this particular artform.
I opened the door, not too wide but enough to squeeze past. Closed the door behind me and voila! freedom was mine.
I am unsure if i should tell you bad boys and girls the trick of opening a door quietly. Like i said earlier i have loads of experience of this particular exercise. Lets just say that i had a very interesting and exciting childhood. Ah screw it, i'll tell you.
If the door is already open (which it was in my recent escape): Grab the entire handle of the door, then lift the door from the handle and only then can you open the door. When you open the door, do it in one quick move and not slowly as people untrained in this skill are oft to do.
If the door is closed: Grab the handle and turn it very quickly. Once the turn is complete and the door is technically open, perform the manoeuver described above and freedom is yours.
Disclaimer: The acts described above are not applicable to all doors and any attempt to use the above manoeuver on the wrong kind of door (steel doors or blast doors for example) shall result in your detection and capture. Boy/Man is in no way responsible for your detection/capture but is in fact responsible for your escape if successful. In this case, payment shall be made to Boy/Man. This does not affect your statutory rights.
posted by boy-man at 4:43 am
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