Inevitability?

01:00 am.

Good morning all.

I sit here filled with emotion. I feel like i am on the verge of tears although i am not sure that is the right outlet. I am in pain, a lot of pain. Not of the physical kind however, of the emotional and heartfelt kind.

I have only just realised that perhaps i feel more hurt than pain. If that doesn't make any sense then i do apologise however it is the only way i can describe it. I would make an analogy but for once, my brain doesn't seem to be in the mood for analogies. This in itself is telling, i can give an analogy for pretty much any occurence/event/situation. Yet here i am and my brain is in sleep mode. The hurt that i feel has me numbed. I do not feel like thinking too much or letting my body, mind or soul delve into the emotions that are running through me.

I have been through some awful things in my life and felt hurt so many times before.

This one is different, it is new. It feels truly awful.

I believe in altruism. I believe in patience. I believe in giving people as many chances as it takes. I believe in resilience for the sake of others. I believe in not writing people off. I believe in not cutting people off. I believe in loving with all that you have. I believe in feeling with all that you have. I believe in giving yourself to others by your actions towards them. I believe that life is not a maths equation. In life X+X is not always equal to 2X.
Someone always has to give more than the others.

I dont mind being this person.

My only request is that the other person gives back. I understand that it cant be 50-50 but at least they have to try to give 50%.

Finally my brain has found an analogy. The situation i am in is akin to unrequited love.

It is like loving someone and willing to do whatever they ask of you. All you ask in return is that they love you back. That they try to give as much as you do. Even if they dont succeed, the fact that they tried is enough.

That doesnt happen in unrequited love. If it did, it wouldn't be called unrequited love.

End of analogy.

A person wiser than me said "actions speak louder than words". In the main, they are correct.

I have been told certain words many many many times over. I have accepted the words as truth when they were spoken. I have taken the words at face value and believe them. All the while, i wait for the actions that will make the spoken words absolute. Each time i point out that the actions have not fully materialised, i am told to wait a bit more, to be patient. This is not really a problem. I am a very patient person.
Each time i ask, i am told to wait a bit more. And so i do. Waiting is easy. All you have to do is believe in what you are waiting for.

Another analogy.
Telling someone you love them while you beat/stab/hurt them says that you dont love them more than a thousand I LOVE YOUs ever could.

Recently to try an alleviate the above situation, i gave my word that i wouldn't speak of a particular issue till a certain time.

Today i broke my word. This grieves me deeply. I believe that when you say something, you should mean what you say. And yet i broke my word today.

I broke my word because as patient as i am, i am not superhuman. I try my very very best to be patient with people. Friends, family, colleagues, strangers etc.
It seems that contrary to popular myth, my patience has limits. It seems that i cant wait forever.

What is even more annoying is that when (not if) my patience completely runs out, i will probably be held to blame. It will most likely be that at the end of it all, it shall be said "why didnt he wait a bit more?". "He could have been a bit more patient". "He didnt have to do what he did".

I am reminded of a quote from a film. In the Matrix (the first one), agent smith has Neo in a headlock and is waiting for the train to come and crush them both.
He says to Neo "Do you hear that my Anderson, that is the sound of inevitability".

The scary thing is that its not up to me to prevent the seemingly inevitable from happening. It is up to someone else.

The questions are. Are they up to the task? Do they know what is required? Are they willing to find out what is required? If/when they find out what is required, are they willing to do what is required?

We shall know soon enough.