Earthbound

I am twenty-five years old. To some this is a lot, to others it isnt. I think i am quite young, infact i am aware that i have a lot to learn. As is the norm with life, i have been in a few difficult situations. Broadly speaking, there are two types of situations:

• Those caused by yourself
• Those caused by others

I dont mind situations caused by myself. This is because i believe in personal responsibility - a lot. I believe that when you make a mess, it is your responsibility to clean it up. I believe it is unacceptable to mess up and expect others to clean your shit up for you.

I am in a hideously wrong situation right now. Two really bad situations, independent of each other and involving two different sets of people. In the next week, a lot of things could happen which would totally fuck things up for me right now. That things are bad is not the annoying factor for me. The annoying thing is that these two independent fuck ups are not of my making at all. I am where i am because people are just too fucking stupid to see whats in front of them. I am in this because the level of incompetence being illustrated to me is just plain ridiculous. People walking around with their heads down and not looking up to see what's in front of them and when you suggest that they do, they give you a reply that is so inane that you want to give them a mother of a right hook.

Apparently this would be the part where some would start to blame themselves in some part. I dont do that. Blaming myself for other people's fuck ups is not something i do very well. I am annoyed because if the worst happens, i will suffer a disaster of which i had no part in creating.

Worst of all is that all these incidents are making me doubt my belief in people. I am an altruistic person. I believe in the greater good of mankind as a matter of principle. I like to give people a chance to put their case forward, i believe that there are two sides to every story. Basically i would be a good employee for the United Nations - i happen to hold Kofi Annan in very high regard and have much admiration for the man - or as a diplomat.

Lately however, i find that i am becoming more annoyed. Rather too easily IMO. I find that my default mode is more likely to be set to edgy than easy going.

"Man looks in the abyss, there's nothing staring back at him. At that moment, man finds his character. And that is what keeps him out of the abyss"... Lou Mannheim, Wall Street (1987).

The test is i suppose what kind of person i will be when all this is over. Should the worst happen, will i find that i am a bitter kind of person, easily angered or will i still be the easy going diplomat, quick to smile and slow to anger.

Writer's block

I have writer's block.

Technically speaking i am not a writer in the traditional sense however this blog involves writing and thus i am a writer. In a non-traditional sense of the word of course. My rate of blogging has gone down from at least once a day to once a fortnight which is this current post. The reasons are varied, the end of my semi-self employed phase and plunge back into the world of 9-5's and monday to fridays was the first. The list of reasons now includes such luminaries as laziness, a different state of mind, an addiction to a computer game (what?) and family problems. The end result is writer's block.

I just realised something, in my twenty five years on this planet, i have never been the source of problems within my family - If i have been, they haven't mentioned it to me - while everyone else has pretty much had a stab at being the cause problems. Part of the reason is that i tend to see things differently from virtually everyone i have met thus far in my life. The things that drive others up the wall i remain almost worryingly calm about - this tends to drive them further up the wall - while the things that grieve me deeply seldom registers on other people's scale. This is the way it will be unless i change myself, this wont be happening as i like me a lot.

My writer's block will hopefully be gone soon enough. Thank heavens i am not a professional writer, i'd have been out of a job by now. See, i knew there was a positive side to this. :-)))

The world cup

Footbal, football, football, nothing but football.

The world cup kicked off on friday and i am loving it so far. It truly has been a fantastic tournament so far. Unfortunately the big teams have mostly won but the small teams have done themselves proud big time. Hopefully some of them will qualify for the next round. Brazil won today much to my chagrin, i am in a minority of people who think that they are overrated. They are a good team, infact they are a world class team but overrated and much hyped nonetheless.

Case in point was the match with Croatia today which they won 1-0. I am almost certain that the croats wish Davor Suker was still playing as he would surely have scored at least once. Each useful shot on goal they had was straight at the keeper and a tortoise would have saved them all as all he'd have to do was stand right where he was. Hopefully they will learn to shoot anywhere but straight at the keeper next time. The brazilians of course had chances but they didnt live up to the ridiculous hype that people have been going on about.

Trinidad & Tobago rock. Great result against the swedes and dwight yorke seems to have spent most of his career in the wrong position. I wasnt a big admirer of his when he played for ManUtd but it seems that i was sorely mistaken. My apologies dwighty.

England play on Thursday and i think they'll kick T&T's butt which will get everyone stupidly yapping away about how they are going to win the world cup. I think they have the individual players but not the team to win it. Sven for all his charms with the ladies is charmless when it comes to the beautiful game. Tactically he isn't very good IMO and i think the fact that England havent kicked any big nation's butt in his charge says it all.

And no, beating Germany 5-1 doesnt count as that was one of the worst german teams in the past few decades and besides it was a fluke result. A bit like when Chelsea beat ManUtd 5-0, great to see but will probably not happen if a rematch had taken place.

One last thing, i have never watched so much football in my life. Saturday and Sunday i was indoors all day watching football. Awesome, just awesome. It really was beautiful. The world cup is the dogs bollocks and this one is the best at least of the past 4. Football is more than just a game, its ..... beauty, art, passion, strength, committment...football is about emotions being dragged in a million directions at once. I love it.

Best laid plans

Ever have an almost perfect plan? A plan that took a lot of hard work, creative thinking and all that good stuff. A plan that when it was completed you smiled in contentment, gazed upon the wonder your mind had devised. You felt that near perfection had been attained.
Ever have such a plan?

What happens when you realise that the plan had flaws? What happens when you realise - in hindsight of course - just how obvious those flaws were? What then?

I had such a plan and now it doesnt seem so good or rather it beggars belief that i didnt see the gaping flaw in the grand plan. I ask myself how it was that i didnt see it. What in the lovely name of crap happened to my powers of analysis?

I very very very rarely doubt myself. My self-confidence while not 100% all the time is very high. So high that sometimes it borders - occassionally crossing said border - on arrogance.

On rare occassions like this do i doubt myself. It is a strange thing. I dont believe that i am superman but i do believe that i kick butt. My fleeting self doubt has gone and in its place is perhaps something much worse. Anger. Anger at myself for not seeing what was clear as day, anger at my waste of opportunities to nip the error in the bud, anger at placing myself in a situation that didnt have to be this hard/complicated.

Anger can be a bad thing.

It can also be a good motivation tool. Option B: use anger at myself to fix this quandary.

In sickness and in health

I spent last night elsewhere and came home quite early this morning. As expected, the girlfriend had the chain on the door hence i couldnt get in. I knocked and she came to open the door. There are moments which seem to capture that which we feel profoundly, this was such a moment. A moment that had love written all over it. The smile on her face, her soft cheeks, her eyes. My girlfriend. I truly love her more than i can describe.



Many hours later and here i am not very happy. In the last 6-8 hours, 6-8 hours, she has gotten very ill. She felt cold, had a fever, aching limbs and even vomitted. It has been a while since someone i knew was so sick that they threw up. What is it about sickness that makes me feel unhelpful. When someone is sick, i always find myself wishing that i can snap my fingers and make it all better. While i am aware that just being there to hold their hand and lie next to them is a great deal of help, i always end up feeling like i am not doing a lot. I know this is not true but the feeling remains. As she lay there shivering and being very ill, all i can do is hold her hand and tell her that it is going to be ok. Her illness saddens me; It also makes clear just how much i love her.