Inevitability?

01:00 am.

Good morning all.

I sit here filled with emotion. I feel like i am on the verge of tears although i am not sure that is the right outlet. I am in pain, a lot of pain. Not of the physical kind however, of the emotional and heartfelt kind.

I have only just realised that perhaps i feel more hurt than pain. If that doesn't make any sense then i do apologise however it is the only way i can describe it. I would make an analogy but for once, my brain doesn't seem to be in the mood for analogies. This in itself is telling, i can give an analogy for pretty much any occurence/event/situation. Yet here i am and my brain is in sleep mode. The hurt that i feel has me numbed. I do not feel like thinking too much or letting my body, mind or soul delve into the emotions that are running through me.

I have been through some awful things in my life and felt hurt so many times before.

This one is different, it is new. It feels truly awful.

I believe in altruism. I believe in patience. I believe in giving people as many chances as it takes. I believe in resilience for the sake of others. I believe in not writing people off. I believe in not cutting people off. I believe in loving with all that you have. I believe in feeling with all that you have. I believe in giving yourself to others by your actions towards them. I believe that life is not a maths equation. In life X+X is not always equal to 2X.
Someone always has to give more than the others.

I dont mind being this person.

My only request is that the other person gives back. I understand that it cant be 50-50 but at least they have to try to give 50%.

Finally my brain has found an analogy. The situation i am in is akin to unrequited love.

It is like loving someone and willing to do whatever they ask of you. All you ask in return is that they love you back. That they try to give as much as you do. Even if they dont succeed, the fact that they tried is enough.

That doesnt happen in unrequited love. If it did, it wouldn't be called unrequited love.

End of analogy.

A person wiser than me said "actions speak louder than words". In the main, they are correct.

I have been told certain words many many many times over. I have accepted the words as truth when they were spoken. I have taken the words at face value and believe them. All the while, i wait for the actions that will make the spoken words absolute. Each time i point out that the actions have not fully materialised, i am told to wait a bit more, to be patient. This is not really a problem. I am a very patient person.
Each time i ask, i am told to wait a bit more. And so i do. Waiting is easy. All you have to do is believe in what you are waiting for.

Another analogy.
Telling someone you love them while you beat/stab/hurt them says that you dont love them more than a thousand I LOVE YOUs ever could.

Recently to try an alleviate the above situation, i gave my word that i wouldn't speak of a particular issue till a certain time.

Today i broke my word. This grieves me deeply. I believe that when you say something, you should mean what you say. And yet i broke my word today.

I broke my word because as patient as i am, i am not superhuman. I try my very very best to be patient with people. Friends, family, colleagues, strangers etc.
It seems that contrary to popular myth, my patience has limits. It seems that i cant wait forever.

What is even more annoying is that when (not if) my patience completely runs out, i will probably be held to blame. It will most likely be that at the end of it all, it shall be said "why didnt he wait a bit more?". "He could have been a bit more patient". "He didnt have to do what he did".

I am reminded of a quote from a film. In the Matrix (the first one), agent smith has Neo in a headlock and is waiting for the train to come and crush them both.
He says to Neo "Do you hear that my Anderson, that is the sound of inevitability".

The scary thing is that its not up to me to prevent the seemingly inevitable from happening. It is up to someone else.

The questions are. Are they up to the task? Do they know what is required? Are they willing to find out what is required? If/when they find out what is required, are they willing to do what is required?

We shall know soon enough.

I starve, therefore i am

Good morning people.

10:12 am and almost 36hours since i last had any food go properly into my body.

Words cannot begin to describe just how bloody hungry i am right now. My abstention from food is not by choice but on doctors orders.

Had a bad day yesterday. Within seconds of waking up, i was drowsy as crap and had to rush to the toilet to throw up. That was followed by throwing up about 2/3 times. Then a nice nap with the girlfriend - who stayed home to nurse me (yes i know she's really sweet) - after which i felt much better.

As i felt better, we both decided i should try to eat something. So i made and had some chips except halfway through the dizzyness returned and i promptly rushed to the toilet to throw up again.

After throwing up again we eventually went to the hospital.

Slightly off tangent but i really really really love the health system in this country and i dont really understand why the fuck people bitch about it all the fucking time. You get seen and treated pretty much for free and only have to pay - heaven forbid - for your prescriptions. A lot of the time, the prescriptions are free anyway. The NHS rocks and one of the worst things that could happen to this country would be if they changed the health system to a private healthcare system.

So anyway, i was seen by a first nurse who did the whole blood pressure thing, asked me a few questions and asked for a urine sample. Its quite a cool system, the first person sees you and gets the summary of whats wrong and in less than hour another doctor comes and sees you and sorts you out.
Except in my case, there was nothing to sort out. She said i was fine and i probably had a virus and gave me a leaflet about gastroenteritis which i have just finished reading. This happens all the time. Whenever i go to the hospital they always say that there's nothing wrong with me and just tell me to go home and chill out for a few days. I suppose this is a good thing but it is a bit odd.
She prescribed some sachet thing for me which i have to go and get to stop me from dehydrating and will give me some nutrients that i have been missing out on as i haven't eaten in a while. I am also to stay away from munching proper food for a bit and when i do i am to start slowly and work my way up.

The good news is i haven't thrown up in about 15hours and my dizzyness has almost completely stopped. The bad news is i am sooooooooo bloody hungry that the metaphor of eating a horse could well be literal in my case. I shall take it easy and do the whole starvation thing but i am really looking forward to when i am fully recovered.

My meal to celebrate....

A half pounder soaked in mayonnaise with chips and lots of chilli sauce.

Community?

I had a bit of an epiphany the other day. It seems bloody obvious now but its one of those things that always been there but you just never saw it if you know what i mean.

There is currently an advert on some buses around london. It has been taken out by the Borough of Walthamstow's council.

It has a the faces of people from different faces next to each other: black, white, asian, chinese, men, women etc. Underneath the picture are the words "225,000 people, 1 community".

I had seen this advert a few times before and i understand they are trying to give a positive image of the borough. But when i saw it a few days ago, i had my epiphany as it were. It is quite simple really.

The advert is wrong. It is NOT a community. It is simply a borough with lots of different races and peoples living there but it most certainly is not a community.

People talk now of community leaders and stuff but it is not realistic. Whenever my area makes it on TV and they talk about the community leaders saying one thing or another, i always think to myself "who are these community leaders and where the hell are they?" I understand that people want to feel that they are part of a community, a sense of community somehow makes people feel slightly more at ease with their surroundings i think. But it is wrong to say that what they did on the advert, it is wrong for the media to say stuff like "people in this community are worried".

There is no community, not here in London. London is a city, a sprawling city with 7m people - 12m if you include the greater london area - and its full of strangers living next to one another. It has its strengths but a community spirit is not one of them.

Communities do exist and are mostly found in villages and perhaps - only perhaps - small towns. In a community, there is a culture shared by everyone. Everything from the way you greet people to the way ceremonies are celebrated is known and performed by everyone within the community.
I grew up in Africa and in my village there is most certainly a community. In a community you know pretty much everyone and there are community leaders. The village elders are pretty much known by everyone and they are respected.
Villages are a community because they are smaller and the population is not very big.

I think people miss the sense of community that perhaps existed in years gone by. Pretending that it still exists when it doesn't is folly IMO. London has a lot of plus points but communities aren't one of them and i think people should be happy with the plus points.

Vide Cor Meum

I was going to post about something else but that will have to wait because something awesome just happened as i was about to put finger to keyboard.

The song "Vide cor meum" by Patrick Cassidy started playing. It was composed for the movie Hannibal starring Anthony Hopkins and was also used in Kingdom of Heaven. I didnt see the movie Hannibal when it first came out but saw it years later on Sky movies. By the end of the movie i was in love with this song and in my mind it is THE highlight of the movie.

It starts with a most wonderful, angelic and magnificent choirlike voice that pierces straight to your heart. The interchange of voices, the way the voices blend and the way the orchestra plays the accompanying piece is........beautiful. It truly is beautiful.

The end is just beyond words. The woman's voice rises, reaches a wonderful peak and softly fades and is gently followed by the man's. Deep but not too deep his voice sweetly complements hers, all the more poignant for what it is he is singing..."Vide cor meum". "See my heart".

A sample can be found here

...

05.25 am in the centre of the universe.

Two things.

1) It is ridiculously quiet outside. One or two cars driving past every now and then.

2) I am absolutely fucking hungry.

3) Massive attack rocks.

Okay that's 3 things however the last one i had to add cos the song on my playlist just moved onto massive attack. More on how much they rock but first my hunger.

Came home last night and the girlfriend decided that we were going to playfight for most of the evening. It was fun, really good fun but she doesnt know her limits. Every now and then we had to have a timeout as she would find herself in a bit more pain than she bargained for. She does however have great stamina. If she were to get in a fight, she'd win by virtue of her stamina. A bit like some boxers who can do a full 12 rounds in top form. She can go 15+ rounds at full tilt.

Anyways after the playfighting, we effectively fell asleep. I do remember saying lots of times that i was going to get up and get some food. I didnt. Consequently, here i am many hours later after enjoying a very good sleep but to say that i am starving is like saying superman is quite strong.
Any minute now, my stomach lining will start to dissolve me.


Massive attack rock. End of. I am listening to Teardrops from their album mezzanine. On the basis of this one track alone, i'd recommend the whole album. A sample of this track can be found here. The last minute and a half of teardrops kicks more ass than you can shake a stick at. Enjoy.


Now i must go and get something to eat lest i die blogging.

Decisions

Today i have to make a decision. A decision that will affect me for a few years going forward.

I have previously mentioned that i am semi-self employed. I am trying to remove the semi in that phrase (i think its a phrase). The path is one littered with advice from everyone.

It is unfortunately one of those things that you can be told about, you can read numerous articles about it etc. But in the end, you still have to walk the path and find your own way. So here i am about to take that first step and i find i am not so brazen. A few hours ago, i was absolute in my certainty, a certainty that what i am about to do is right and makes logical sense.

So in a few hours i have to decide what to do.

Most people dream. Most people fall short when they are asked to make their dreams a reality.

Today i am presented with an opportunity to take a step towards realising that dream.


It is my path to walk. No one else can walk this path for me, if they did it would be their own journey and not mine. For it to be mine, i must walk this path.


So onwards and upwards it is.

..... and hope to the Lord that i am making the right decision.

Emotions

00:29 am in London. A very good morning to you all wherever you may be in the blogoverse and the wide world.

It just crossed my mind that we are on a planet hurtling through space at speeds unimaginable to a human. I wonder if there is a thing or being in space that has a complete view of the universe. What would it be like to have that view as a human. ...its just started to rain outside although there are as yet no raindrops on the window...i think it is rain. So anyway, what would it be like? Would this human gain a full appreciation for life, death, nature, the universe? Or would they do the normal human thing of not really seeing what is right before their very eyes.

Would they go mad due to a lack of brain power to process all the new and awesome information? Would seeing everything in its fullness lead to their death? If they were informed beforehand that it would lead to their death, would they still go through with it?
Would you go through with it?

The rain's really coming down now...cool.

In the main, i like being human. We have without doubt, the most beautiful females of any species on the planet. Should we encounter any alien life forms, i'm willing to bet that our females will be much more beautiful than theirs.

I dont think that humans can truly feel emotions in their fullness. That is not to say that we dont feel any, on the contrary we do. Everyday. Everyday we feel emotion and on so many different levels. Its just that we dont really feel ALL of it all the time. If we were to feel, truly feel emotion in its fullness i think it would be too much for our fragile bodies.

True emotion in its fullness can i think only be felt in little bits at a time.

I have felt Love in its fullness a few times in my life. Once i was looking at my girlfriend and i felt like i was about to....i am not sure what i felt was about to happen. Explode, implode, transcend to a higher level of consciousness.....words cant really describe what i felt. I know i love my girlfriend. I just dont feel it like i did that day. I am not sure my heart can cope with such a groundswell of emotion.

Many years ago - over a decade - i felt anger/rage like i had never felt it before. Rage in its undistilled form. All consuming rage, driving rage, murderous rage. It truly was murderous rage. Thankfully i was talked out this rage and anger by my friends. Since then, i have felt anger on different levels but never like that day. I came very close a few years ago but it wasn't quite on the same level.

Fear. They say the only thing to fear is fear itself. What do they know? Sometime in the last week or so, my biggest fear hit home. Hard. In this case, there is absolutely nothing i can do about this fear. It is going to happen. I speak of course of the carrierman, the boat man. I speak of death. Death is an integral part of life and there is nothing any one of us can do about it.
My biggest fear is of death. It is however not my own death that i speak of. It is the death of someone i hold very dear and close to my heart. In the fullness of time, the boatman will come calling for this person. Who knows, he might have already called for me before then.

When he calls for this person, i hope it will be at the end of a life long lived and fulfilled.

I am glad i felt this fear in its fullness.

I am glad i have felt all these emotions in their fullness. It has made me realise certain things which i don't think would have been possible otherwise.


People are scared of emotions for a good reason. In their fullness they can be awesome and overpowering. Thus we try to control them, to subdue them.

Luckily emotions cant be controlled forever.

Every once in a while, it shows itself to us whether we like it or not. In its absolute fullness.

Mystery Searcher

Someone arrived at my blog via a search for "man fuck boy".

At first i was surprised and couldnt see the link which is kinda of stupid as it is very obvious. The name of my blog is Boy/Man, two of the words in the persons search.

I followed the search link but gave after looking through 5 pages and not seeing my blog. On a sidenote, how far do you look when you search using yahoo or google. I dont usually get past the first 3 pages. Very very rarely do i go past that and on the occassions that i make it past page 10, legends and fables are born.

Anyway back to the matter at hand....hehe. I made a pun.Yes yes i lose cool points for pointing it out.

First question is obviously did the person find what they were looking for. A story, or clip of a man fucking said boy. The next question is then did they enjoy themselves, did they like what they found or was it by the by and not particularly erotic or sexy - I am presuming that they did find what they were looking for - while i have not searched for similar stuff, i do know how frustrating it can be to try and find good quality porn on the net.

I wonder, was it a man or a woman. What do they look like? How old are they? Are they straight, bi or gay?

Well wherever you are i hope you found what you were looking for.

To aid you - and all you other inhabitants of the blogoverse - in your future searches and stuff, i shall be adding a new link from my page to fleshbot.


It has straight, bi and gay stuff on there. Visit the site and see if you like it.

Mystery searcher, good luck and should you return, i hope you will appreciate the link in your honour.